You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
