I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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