i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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