HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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