i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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