There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
