Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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