Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
