i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
