I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
