Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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