You're my little dorito
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
