my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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