Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
