Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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