i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
