After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
