oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
