: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
