we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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