his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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