He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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