dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
