She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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