Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
