I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
