fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's blow job season.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
