I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
