High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
