that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
