found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
