you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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