Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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