well most of my day revolves around power hour
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
