I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
