i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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