I'm gonna have a badass scar
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
