I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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