New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
She's the barista slut.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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