he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
