I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Is Oprah even human
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
