Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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