Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
