Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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