Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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