I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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