fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
