I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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