I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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