Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My cat gives me a boner
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Randomize
