Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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