I'm really into asian looking animals
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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