remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
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i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
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My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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