I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
