I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
