Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
