the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
