Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
