In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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