I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
